Ninth Anniversary
Monday, August 6, 2012 at 11:02AM 
Nine years ago I married the most caring, charming man I had ever met. Today, he still charms me and takes good care of our family every single day. I am one lucky lady. We've had two children together and many adventures. It's always been fun (except for those nasty fights about the dishes.)
Last year I wrote about our engagement and wedding story and shared a bunch of the pro shots from the small ceremony during the day. In the comments my friend Rachel reminded me of these awesome pictures that she took of us in the evening when we were hanging out in the city. That's her husband Rosecrans in the picture of me hailing a cab.
Do you think we could be any happier? I don't think so.
Are we still jumping on the bed though? Not exactly. Mostly, if there is a bed nearby, we are sleeping in it. With our kids.
Marriage is complex. It is a challenge for two people to grow and change and stay on the same page with each other. It is easy to let minor details add up into a massive lump of discontent. But it CAN last forever. It CAN be blissful and lovely and supportive, if each person listens to each other and tries their best to give each other what they really need.
I'm no marriage expert but I have learned that for MY marriage to work, there are a few things that really help us stay happy with each other.
Generosity: How much you give to your spouse naturally changes over time, especially when the kids are soaking up so much of everything. It's important to be generous with each other, which to me means, giving more than you think that person needs. Whatever it is. Patience during a fight. Pats on the bum when you are walking by. Fixing something that is wrong. A nice long hug.
Clear Expectations: In any relationship, you must clearly communicate what you expect from the other person. Defining what our roles are in marriage and parenting is so important. Unmet expectations can be disasterous and the only way to know is to tell your partner what you want and need. As situations change, so do expectations, so make sure you continue checking in with each other. It's also really important to have realistic expectations and to understand what each person is able to bring to the relationship at any given time.
Quiet Time Together: This one mostly applies to people with kids, but it's also important if you have demanding jobs and always have the tv or computer in front of you. We just started doing this, but each night after the kids go to bed, rather than running to the tv or computer like we used to do, we spend 30 minutes just talking to each other. All devices are off and quiet. We sit on the couch, go outside, cuddle in bed. Wherever, but the ONLY expectation is that we are with each other. We don't even have to talk, although we always do. After the time is up, we go off to do our own things, but sometimes we don't, if you know what I mean. (Wink wink.)
Understanding & Compassion: This one can be really hard, especially if we are angry, hurt or fed up, but it is ESSENTIAL. If I take that thing that bugs me, that thing that hurts and I try to understand why it happens and I try to feel compassion for where my husband might be coming from, I am far more likely to be generous and willing to work it out. Often, if we get to the root of an issue, and we address it or understand the fear that might be driving a behavior, it makes it much easier to find a solution. Understanding and compassion encourages each of to be involved and help each other out.
Today I am grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, but especially for my husband and my marriage. Next year will be our tenth anniversary and I hope we can do something really special, just the two of us.
Advice, Couple Time in Reflection
Reader Comments (9)
WAIT! We're not the only couple having brawls over dishes?! In that case, guess we can make it to 9 years too. Thanks for the encouragement : )
Congrats! Hooray for love!
We've been married 9 years too and found that quiet time apart was also key to our equation.
(So great to see you last week.)
As a person married for 17 years, I'll say this is an awesome post, Leslie. Thanks for sharing your spot-on insights. Cheers to your anniversary!
Beautiful post. I read it sitting in a screened porch in a cottage on an island two hours north of Toronto. So wonderful to get out of the ratrace and hang out as a family. Simpler life.
Feels good to be reminded about what really matters - deeper connections with family and friends. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Happy Anniversary! I love your post! I hope you are enjoying your 9th anniversary. What a great pic of you guys standing on the bed.
Great post! I'm going to suggest a quiet time together for our house too. Thanks!
Awww...since I know you two personally...I can honestly say you make a beautiful couple!
Love you both! Enjoy yourselves!
xoxoxo
Thanks for all the awesome comments you guys!
Vicki - For us, we had to designate ONE person to do the dishes, and it is my husband since I am generally the one cooking dinner. On the nights that we order in, I try to help him and I also try to do some dishes during the day, but it doesn't always happen. I HATE dishes, hate them. Luckily this is a chore Chris is willing to do! Did I mention I am a lucky lady?
Helen Jane - Cheers to nine years!! Quiet time apart is something I certainly need, although it's not really something that Chris does, so this has been a place where he has needed to be generous with me, giving me the space to take care of myself by myself. It was so great to see you too!
Thank you Heather! 17 years is awesome! Last night I said to Chris, "Here's to another nine years!" And he told me about a couple that had a marriage "contract" that they renewed each year. So we agreed to renew our contract and toasted to ONE more year together. Better to focus on one at a time, right?
Thanks Sandra! You KNOW I look forward to spending more time with you too. xo
Kristen! Thank you, but I feel it's important to note that we are JUMPING on the bed, not just standing. <wink> I've also decide that for our tenth anniversary I want a picture of us jumping on the bed again! You hear that Chris?
Kate - it's totally a new thing, but we are really enjoying it. It's just a way to connect with each other - no strings attached.
Jill - Thank you! Love you too my friend. xo
Beautiful post, Leslie. Communication is key. Both Drew and I were married to poor communicators before we met each other and we had to learn that we actually DO mean what we say when we're talking to each other. it's awesome to be with someone who gets you. :)