25 Things I'm Afraid To Tell You
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 12:00PM 
So this is going around a lot of blogs lately (you can read up on the history at the bottom of the post) and I thought I would participate. I love the idea of confessions and being authentic. I've been thinking about how to approach this post and I hope I will do the honest part of it justice while still holding some stories close to my heart.
The truth is, the stuff I am truly afraid to tell you, I can't write online. Most of the things I am reluctant to talk about are from a long time ago and sometimes I feel like I have lived multiple lives. That person I was then is not the person I am today, but she is still a part of me. She is still a part of my story.
Brené Brown said at Mom 2.0 that we should own the stories that we have orphaned because they don't fit in with who we think we should be. I have many orphaned stories, in fact, I really have a whole orphaned self. I found this quote by Brené from a 2011 BlogHer panel she did with Gretchen Rubin called CHANGE YOURSELF: Your Perfect Imperfections: Blogging Your Way to Self-Acceptance.
"Owning and sharing our story is a part of how we get to our worthiness. Because if you are like me, I think most of us have orphaned parts of ourselves and parts of our stories that we don't believe fit with who we think we are supposed to be. So I think that's part of, for me, part of owning our story." - Brené Brown
And this quote from Neil Gaiman's U of Arts Commencement Speech is perfect as well.
"The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That's the moment you may be starting to get it right." - Neil Gaiman
Ok, so here we go, the truth, the things I am afraid to tell you (holy crap I am literally vibrating as I write this, is it cold in here?):
THAT WAS THEN
- I was a bully when I was a young child. I was mean to other kids. I'm not sure why. It didn't last and I remember mostly feeling curious about what would happen. I think I liked to feel in control. It's messed up. I am scared of what you will think of me. I'm not a bully anymore.
- A female babysitter was inappropriate with me when I was about eight. I forgot about it and only remembered many years later when a friend was telling me about it happening to her.
- I stole Halloween candy from a little boy when I was 13 with two of my friends. From the moment after it happened, to this day, I wish I could give it back. I tell you this specific bullying story because I have already confessed it to a room full of 400 advertising people. I was a new employee at an ad agency and they called all of us newbies up on stage as surprise to tell the crowd about the meanest thing we had ever done. I didn't have enough time to make something up, so I told the truth. One person came up to me after and said he had his candy stolen as a kid and I'm pretty sure he wanted to punch me. I apologized to him but how can you forgive someone for that? I don't think I have forgiven myself. If I knew where he was today I would send him Halloween candy and say I was sorry. I know it wouldn't help but I would try.
- I had what one would politely call a troubled youth. Ages 14 - 22 were crazy times, what I sometimes call my "lost years". Ug, right? You might think I am being dramatic, but my life could have taken a serious turn for the worse a number of times. I somehow always managed to get myself out of it. In this place dwells A LOT of things I am afraid to tell you.
- I left home right after I turned 16 and moved to Vancouver with my 21 year old boyfriend. It was a disaster, but I did take a photography class at my new high school that opened a door for me that might have remained shut. I learned a lot about myself, especially that I was brave and strong. That's the part I like to tell, the parts that I am afraid to say are harder. I tried to push my boyfriend down the stairs after he cheated on me, among other things.
- While I was in Vancouver I got arrested for shoplifting. I had been stealing things for years. The police officers almost put me on a Greyhound bus and sent me back home. Sometimes I wish they had, although I think it probably smartened me up to have to stay and deal with it for myself. I got assigned community service. I stopped stealing after that and within a few months I returned home on my own.
- I applied to art school on a whim, because my friend was applying. I got in and he didn't. I felt bad about that, but I went anyway.
- I have 3 tattoos, the first one I got the moment I turned 18, the other two later in NYC. I like tattoos and I'd like to get more. I'm not afraid to tell you this one really, but it's something people are surprised to learn about me when they meet me in person after reading my blog.
- College was insane. So insane that I considered checking myself into a hospital at one point because the kind of crazy things I was thinking couldn't possibly be normal or healthy. I went to a lot of parties and I was a regular, with VIP cards, in the bar scene. There are lots of things I have forgotten that I wish I remembered (I also wish I had worked harder in school) and lots of things I remember that I wish I had forgotten (my friend died of a drug overdose and I didn't go to his funeral.) In this place dwells THE REST of the things I am afraid to tell you.
- I left Canada when I was 23 and moved to the United States. I started my life again and since then I have tried to be kind, smart and to work hard. It's awesome to have a clean slate. I'm not sure I could have done it as easily if I had stayed where I was. I don't think I will ever move back, even though I miss many things that are there. (Sorry Mom.)
THIS IS NOW
- Sometimes I have panic attacks. I am probably having one right now as you read this.
- I don't exercise and I know that I should. My knees hurt.
- I often imagine my fiery death while I am driving a vehicle on a two lane highway and the cars are headed straight for me. Never when someone else is driving.
- I need alone time. A lot.
- I fully immersed myself in pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing and many other natural parenting practices and principles for five solid years. It took over my life. At the time I totally wanted it to, but now I am happy that my kids are growing up and I have more time to do things for myself. I guess the part of this that I am afraid to admit is that I couldn't do the SAHM thing forever. I got bored, frustrated, impatient and sometimes angry. I was fully invested when they were babies, when they needed me the most but now that they are older and in school, I am taking some much needed time back for myself.
- I smoked regularly until I had kids. I still do sometimes when I am having a drink. I love it and I hate it at the same time.
- I have a housekeeper and my husband does the dishes every night. I feel like I fail as a housewife most of the time. (Sorry Chris.) I do cook though, when I feel the urge, and sometimes I even cook well. I stay on top of school schedules and stay pretty organized. But the cleaning. THE CLEANING.
- I want it all. I wish I was rich. I sometimes wish I was part of a royal family and I could inherit a castle. I spend money more freely than I should, certainly more freely than I was taught, but I did pay off my student loans. I know there is more money out there to be made. I want to make money so that I can build a brand new modern house in the country with a view and also have an amazing apartment in the West Village of NYC. I want both. I also want to travel frequently, in first class, and send my kids to private school. I am sometimes jealous of the people who are rich and can have all the things I want.
- I am constantly concerned with being cool. I always wonder if I am cool enough. I think generally that I am not cool at all. I tend to feel way more comfortable with the geeks. They are nicer.
- If someone doesn't reply to my email I think they must hate me and I go over and over in my head what I might have said or done that offended them.
- I don't watch the news. There is too much negative, hateful energy there. If I get the paper I read only the art and style section.
- I don't engage in political discussions because I find them most often filled with tension, conflict and mud-slinging. Living in the US without citizenship I can't vote anyway, though I do try to influence my husband. For the record, I am a liberal with feminist leanings. (Sorry Dad.)
- I don't believe in the traditional view of God being an omnipresent giant bearded man in the sky looking down upon us and granting us our prayers. However, I believe myself to be a spiritual person and if I had to pick any religion it would probably be Buddhism. I love the idea in Buddhism that Buddha is in everything. In you, in me, in the trees. I believe we are all connected. I believe in The Force. I believe in Mother Nature. I believe in being good, in taking care of others, in not judging and in accepting. I believe beauty is everywhere if we just look for it. I would rather focus on the good and see beauty everywhere than focus on the bad and see ugliness everywhere. Still though, I don't go to church. I don't really like religion. I won't go so far as to say I am an atheist, but you know, I might be. Or maybe I am an agnostic. I don't really know. What I DO know is I used to feel very impaired when talking about religion, because I was never taught a religion. As an adult I have tried to learn about them all, as a curious person who wants to know things, rather than as someone who wants to become religious. Especially since having kids, I have felt a responsibility to teach them about all of it, rather than never mention it at all.
- I hope that my children do not make any of the same mistakes that I did. I hope they never ask me questions about my teenager years. I don't know how I will be able to talk to them honestly about all the things that I don't want them to do, when I've done most of it myself. Of course, now they are probably going to read this one day and ask questions, so I will say this, I will try my hardest to be truthful and to tell them what they need to know. Perhaps it's better if they know that I am not perfect and that we can make mistakes and still be happy, successful people.
- As much as I try not to have regrets, I have regrets.
Now? I need a drink, a cigarette and a therapist. If you are reading this, please be kind to me. I am not the same person I was then. I've gone through fire, smartened up, become a responsible adult and become a parent. I get imposter syndrome all the time because of all that stuff you see up above. You want to know why I work so hard? Try to surround myself with smart, amazing people? It's to make up for all those mistakes. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time. I do try to comfort myself with the thought that I wouldn't be the person I am today without going through all of that. It made me who I am.
Still, it's hard to reconcile the first 10 items in "That Was Then" with who I am today. See how I even had to put it in a separate section? Maybe I never will reconcile it. I will forever have this orphaned girl that I left in Canada. But today, I am introducing her to you. She's been bugging me lately anyway, and I know that I need to tell her story. I've thought recently that I might write a book, or do a story jam at The Moth (except for the fact that I am totally, overwhelmingly, terrified of the stage.) It's a story that seems to want to be told, but I haven't quite figured out how (or why, if I am being totally honest) to tell it, but I'll let you know when I do.
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I have excellent friends who agreed to post with me today. Thank you so much to all of them and be sure to go check out what they have to say as well. (Please leave us some comment love, here and there, it helps so much to get support on vulnerable posts like these!)
Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Sarah at SAWK Photography
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HISTORY: The very first one by Jess Constable inspired Ez to write her own and invite others to join her on Creature Comforts. Meg at Mimi + Meg started a second round.
FRIENDS WHO INSPIRED ME TO SHARE: Sarah at BlogStar encouraged me to join in and made me laugh about meetings, Erin Loechner's post on Design for Mankind was the first one I read, Amy at Coffee and Sunshine shares her negative and jealous feelings, Nicole at Making It Lovely writes about her mathmatical mind, Andrea at Four Flights of Fancy shares her feelings about blogging and PPD, Sandra at Raincoast Cottage isn't really shy and Jennifer at Life's Dewlaps likes to be alone.
If you want to participate, you don't have to be part of a group (although it does make it easier if you ask people to join you!) You can use the graphic above from Creature Comforts without permission. If you don't have a blog, this may be a good exercise in your journal or in an email sent to a friend. It's very liberating to look at the things that we are afraid to talk about, to own them, and to accept them. When you acknowledge the fear, you often let go of it's power.
Confessions, Things I'm Afraid to Tell You in Reflection
Reader Comments (35)
Thank you for letting me be part of this. You are amazingly brave to post such personal things and to post SO MANY! (I only did seven.) We all have regrets, or we should unless we are perfect. But what really matters is who you are now. Hugs.
Leslie, thanks so much for sharing all of this. You are so brave. There is so much in here that I can relate to. I am going to respond to several of your points in an e-mail (it may take me a few days). I want you to know that you're not alone in a lot of these fears and experiences.
Will you be my BFF? You are perfect. You are exactly the right shape, color and sound to be successful at exactly whatever you want. You can't be this without that. It's just super hard to remember that sometimes. But you are perfect, which always looks unusual because there's not a lot in the way of perfect to compare it with.
Leslie, YOU are amazing.
And more amazing than this list where you bare your soul, was the fact that you supported everyone else along the way.
One day, I hope to meet you.
Love,
Caroline
i have read a handful of these posts, and i have to say, yours has been the most revealing. i feel that you have embraced the idea of being truly honest and open and that in itself is inspiring. thank you for sharing such intimate details of your life.
Smooches to you - this blog, these items, even though I didn't know them before today, are ALL why I am so glad that we met and we are friends. They make you, you.
So glad I know you. And glad I know this about you. You are extremely brave. I hope I have the chance to get to know you better. You're someone I would really like to be friends with. I share a lot of your traits. Including the one about driving on a two lane road.
I'm going to repeat some of what I replied to you on my blog:
Without that phone conversation last week, I may have waited too long and chickened out on the whole thing. We always seem to be running on the same path. Glad I have you to take the jog with!
Great minds think alike!
I also still like you, even after what you wrote! So many of us have gone through similar bad times and try to forget that part of our lives.
I too have come to embrace and like my other/darker side. I know and love the younger Jill and have realized without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Thanks again for rounding everyone else up and coordinating this!
xoxo
Uhoh. Guess who wants to split a bottle or two of rosé and a pack of cigarettes with you?! That's right. This girl. I loved reading this. You're wonderful! The pain of the past is what makes us beautiful. At least that's my opinion. Also, you absolutely have to forgive yourself for stealing that boy's candy. Promise?
xo, friend.
Hi Leslie,
Thank you for your transparency. I appreciate how the person you were then shaped the person you are now and have always admired your character. I think you're one of the coolest people I know because of you're appreciation for life and the people around you, that it is recognizable that you look for the good in all things, you are incredibly creatively gifted and generous with yourself. In terms of reconciliation, consider looking into some reading on the shadow self, they may help you accept even embrace those parts of yourself that seem so far from yourself.
I like you so much for having posted this. We have a lot in common. I say, embrace your past for the experiences you had, the lessons you learned from them, and for the fact that you survived it all and came out a better person on the other side.
Also, my thinking is to be perfectly honest with your children. I've thought long and hard about this one....if they ask about drugs, sex, WHATEVER....I am just going to be honest. Yes, I did drugs (pot, acid, shrooms). And you know what? It was FUN. But also? It messed me up. I could have gotten into a much better college, for example. I could be POTUS for all I know! I had fun doing drugs, but probably? I could have been so much more today without them. That is the honest truth. There is a lot that I don't even remember from certain periods of my life, and that is never a good thing. And also, stay the hell away from uppers, unless you love psychosis, rage and want your teeth to fall out. Luckily I never fell into that, but I will make sure my kids know about people I had experiences with! Want a little pick me up? Stick to coffee and tea and exercise.
I was a shitty person at times, and I'm sure I still am, despite my best efforts. But I just keep trying every day to be more compassionate, more loving, more helpful to those around me. That's about all we can do, right? Keep trying to be better people, and acknowledge how far we've come on that journey. And always speak the TRUTH.
I hope that I can write this in a way that says what I mean it to say.
I like you so much better after reading this post. Your blog has been uncategorized in my reader for months, but I had basically lumped it in with mommy blogs. Yet, for some reason I kept it in reader.
The things in your past that you are afraid to talk about are bits of an interesting life. History is not always pretty, but past events shape who we are today. This says more about me than you, but I often assume that women who are really into their babies (fully immersed if you will) are like that because they don't have any other options, have never seen another way of being in the world. I think it is awesome whenever anyone makes an authentic choice for their life. I know so many people who just let life happen to them. Honestly, before reading this I had unconsciously put you in that camp.
My life is (and was) completely different from yours in almost every way, but for some reason now I feel like I have more in common with you. Maybe it is just that we all have regrets.
I like you so very much in this moment. Warts and all. Those things in your past still helped shape you and made you want to be a better person. I like that in a person. You, especially.
xoxo
God, I miss smoking. Someday I will write a post about starting and stopping and starting and stopping.... It's been four years since the second time I quit and I still think about it sometimes. :)
Okay...moving on...
You are so brave for sharing all of this stuff with us today. I admire you and love you and am happy to know the different layers of you. So many of us have those dark places we've been that we'd prefer to forget, but sometimes they still creep up every now and then, don't they?
Today I really wish I had the commenting system that allowed me to reply individually to everyone. You all are amazing. Thank you for the beautiful comments and the solidarity and the support. I think we tend to forget that these dark things we think people will hate us for are actually not really that special, that many of us have these kinds of stories and that we all come from different crazy places. If anything, today is just teaching me again that we are not alone, that we all share so much and that in order to connect, we have to be open and tell it like it is in a positive way that allows us all to grow.
Thank you, everyone. xo
I was just pondering over the duality of dark and light this morning, I hate to call it good vs evil or worse use the word "bad" I don't think there should be room for judgement because lets face it bad stuff happens to good people. I agree the more you OUT yourself the LESS power it has over you - so here's to letting go!! I applaud you for diggin deep I have to say my eyes widened as I read through your lists and then I thought to myself if Leslie can do this maybe so can I.
Leslie! I totally believe we have the opportunity to be our most current selves every morning when we wake up. So regardless of what's happened in the past (bad OR good), we can be the people we want to be just by BEING them. You're totally great. Thanks for inspiring such a badass group of round 3-ers!
xoxo J
Thank you Leslie (hug) for getting the group together and supporting and encouraging everyone to share. And thank you so much for this post - we have a lot in common, you know. (The universal "we" and the you and me kind)
xo
That was awesome. You are awesome. I am super jealous that you have a cleaning lady! And you don't ever need to worry about being cool because that is just a given...you've always been cool and you always will be. About being rich: you are, in so many ways, in all the ways that count..and your house looks pretty darn stellar too! I had to stop to figure out what a SAHM was...and I am inspired by your journey towards YOU! Would LOVE to hear all those untold stories of ages past....and tell you some of mine too! THAT would be FUN!
Such astounding bravery and honesty. I am awed by it and really appreciate being able to participate with you. When I wrote my entry, I couldn't think of anything I was really petrified to write about, so I wrote the first things I hadn't touched on.
If there's a round four, I'll be there.
Thank you for this. :)
Absolutely brilliant. I read it this morning & I've been thinking about you all day. There are many similarities in our story & am jealous of how brave you are to share them and put them out there. I'm so encouraged to see some authenticity, vulnerability, and courage on the internet these days (which generally seems to have run amuck) and that there are communities of people out there re-building the connections of humanity and seeking a deeper, honest, fulfilling connection to each other.
You made the world a more beautiful place today!
What!? Stealing candy, cleaning ladies, pushing boyfriends down the stairs?! Who are you? Where's that sweet little prairie girl I married?? Bravo, what you wrote and the positive energy its inspired is pretty fucking amazing. Proud of you, love you.
you are beautiful and amazing leslie, and this bloggy world is blessed to have you.
Blessings. That is all.
Leslie-
You should write a book and I'd be the first one to buy it! Thanks, as always, for being so open and honest. You should not be embarrassed by your past, but be grateful that you are in a wonderful place today! And you are in that position today because you worked hard, and lived experiences, and learned from them. I was only able to share seven things, and trust me, I have a closet full more. You always take chances. Never stop.
Thank you again for organizing this and including me! You should be very proud of yourself! Insert virtual hug here!
xo Jen
That must feel freeing to get much of that off your chest--like no one can hold anything over your head if they choose. Thanks for sharing!
And in terms of your past, what matters is now. You can't go back and change the bullying, but the fact that you would if you could speaks volumes. If you still thought it was funny looking back, THAT you should be afraid to tell us!
Leslie: you really are your fearless leader for Round 3. The way you organized your post and lists is brilliant. I love seeing who you were and who you are -- you write with such honesty and transparency it makes me want to write more on my own list. I think you are very brave to put such personal stories out there from bullying to partying to needing a therapist. Your thoughtfulness and effort to make your list be daring and difficult but at the same time liberating but at the same time inspiring and freeing deserves loud applause. Bravo Leslie. I'm so proud to be part of this and part of your circle of TIATTY bloggers. I know we'll always have this bond. xooxoox, Laura My So Called Sensory Life and Huff Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-rossi-totten/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you_b_1553773.html
Hi Leslie,
I only just found your site and this first post. I loved having a read thru and am very impressed with your bravery and determination. But then, it’s what I mostly find in fellow Canadians. Thank you for your post; makes me feel like I’m not alone. Believe it or not, I’ve done a lot of the same things...except in Europe, not USA.
All the best to you.
Hey Leslie!
All I can say is I am proud to have known the orphaned you and I must say she wasnt all bad! She was pretty awesome and a great friend to me obviously since she is still a great friend! I have many crazy memories! Your apartment right above mine in Calgary was a blast - yes things got nuts sometimes but you made it through and not everyone does!! You are in a great place now and I couldn't wish better for you, your husband rocks and them kids seem pretty darn fine!! Can't wait to see you again sometime! You are and always will be amazing! xox
. . . I love you so much!
I love learning more and unexpected things about people . . . the new bits round out the old bits and give me a real, heavy, beautiful appreciation for how the person I know has become that person.
Thanks for everything, woman!
I love you all. Again, thank you for the wonderful support words. xo
Hi, Leslie, I'm catching up on some old posts and just came across this very brave list. I like you regardless of your past; you are human! I look forward to meeting you in person some day! All best, Heather
Hello there.
I feel like saying something to you but don't really know what.
You have been growing so much as a human being because of your choises in life so you have so much to teach (not only to your children).
You must accept who you are right now and not pretend to be someone else. What you think of you is much more important than what people think of you.
Your time is now. Do what you think is right. Intuition is a very good "tool".
Share. Share your life, worries, ideas, smiles, words, whatever. It feels good. And also feels good to us who have a lot of things wainting to be shared.
well, I did. And share with you a warm hug.
Leslie,
That was so amazingly brave and awesome. What an amazing way to express, be honest and get to know your Self. To really look at the nitty gritty of where you were, and now to the ever amazing woman you've become.
We have SO MUCH in common. Its very strange reading this, as you checked items off your list that you were afraid to tell, it was like I was reading half of my own. Thank you for being honest and inspiring and totally cool!! You remind me that no matter where we come from, we create our own reality and future and that we do have control about where we want to be in life.
I'll tell you a secret! I often view you blog and admire your writing and your art work - I love to look at pictures of the family and just see what happiness you've created for them and yourself and I can only hope that I can be like you someday. You're so neat and artistic and doing all these super cool outings with the boys and dates with Chris, the mom conferences and just living life to the fullest. (I totally have a cousin crush on you!!)
Never doubt yourself, never regret what you've done. Its made you into the beautiful, thoughtful, warm, kind, loving, honest and incredibly talented person you are today and I'm so proud to know you and so proud that you're my family.
Love, C
Cecelia, I don't see you very often, but because we are family I feel like I know you so well. Thank you for your beautiful words!! Love you so much. xoxo